oh boy.
June 2, 2009
hey everyone. me again.
i can't sleep and it's causing me to think. or maybe i'm thinking too much and it's causing me to not sleep.
the record has been on my mind a lot lately. and everything that the record says about the band and i. i'm happy that it's out - of my head. i wish it would just be out there for you already. i doubt i'll post too many more full lyrics before the entire record comes out. just because the lyrics are best left for you to dissect when you can hear them in context. with the music. there will be plenty to dissect and it will be fun and maybe a tiny bit nerve-wracking to watch. nevertheless, i'm proud.
it's amazing how as a person, i feel entirely different than the person who wrote the lyrics for All We Know Is Falling... and RIOT! i feel like i know that person and i understand... but it's not me. what you'll hear on the new record is who we are. or at least who we think we are, haha. for now, anyways. i was so scared when it came time to write this record, that i'd have nothing. then all these feelings came pouring out and things that i knew had been held in for a while were finally let loose. now i get to see this person, myself, stare right back at me from a piece of paper. i know the guys feel that way too when they listen back to the songs. it's like the record just happened. thank God, it just happened.
it's scary when you start to really know yourself.. and learn who you are... in spite of what people think you are. that's been the last 2 years of my life. holding on to what i believe and love. learning my heart and not apologizing for it. it's a hard thing to do. you lose people and in some cases, stability. until you wonder if it was even worth it to hold fast to what matters to YOU. is it worth it? i am still learning. finding out if it's okay with me that i give up preconceived notions of what it means to have it all. cause sometimes having your heart in tact feels like the loneliest thing in the world. if there's anything that ties all 3 of our records together... as different as i say they are... it's this one common thread: you can receive blessings. you can have your dreams. but they all come at a cost. you have to give up something. as for me? in my personal life, i gave up comfort, acceptance, stability. in order to break away from a facade that i felt i lived beneath for a long time. i gave up what a lot of people knew as "Hayley" in order to be who i believe is the real me. and in order to live life more fully. 18...19...20, it's a pretty normal age to do a thing like that, right? everything comes at a cost. not one thing in life, with any value, is free.
so what do you value? what cost the most? and was it worth what you paid?